How To Keep A Healthy
Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Every time someone asks
you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Page yourself over the
intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Name all your pens and
insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
- Make up nicknames for
all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point
Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
- Schedule meetings for
- Encourage your colleagues
to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
- Agree to organize the
company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15
- Send e-mail to the rest
of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs
me I'll be in the bathroom."
- No matter what anyone
asks you, reply "Okay."
- Put your garbage can
on your desk. Label it "IN."
- Plant a hedge around
- Grow mold in your coffee
- When in conversation,
no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing"
and leave. Go get coffee.
- Determine how many cups
of coffee is "too many."
- Develop an unnatural
fear of staplers.
- Compose all your e-mail
in rhyming couplets.
- Install a set of buttons
and lights in the arm of your chair.
- Talk into your daytimer.
- "Hi-lite" your shoes.
Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
- Organize a carpool. Go
to pick everyone up in a taxi.
- E-mail nude gifs (graphic
image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the
- Hang mistletoe over your
- Include a personal note
on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and
grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my
highest score ever on Tetris last night."
- Bring in dishes that
you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your
- While sitting at your
desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
- Put up mosquito netting
around your cubicle.
- Decorate your office
with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as
- For a relaxing break,
get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices,
take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
- Send e-mail messages
saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain
that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've
got to be faster than that."
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker
for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch
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