How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

• Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

• Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

• No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

• Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

• Grow mold in your coffee cup.

• When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get coffee.

• Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

• Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.

• Talk into your daytimer.

• "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

• Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

• E-mail nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

• Hang mistletoe over your desk.

• Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

• For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

• Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

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